Finding myself (Entry 01)

   The simplest answer to "Do you ever find yourself?" is this, NOT REALLY, at least in my case. :) 

   There are different chapters in your life, like a messy but mesmerizing book. You got Chapter 1 for you being a cute infant who does only pee and poo to all the emotional rollercoaster with ache troubled teenager; Chapter 2: Trying to understand yourself as a person also trying to be an independent sorta teen to a very energetic young adult who is ready to take on the world; Chapter 3: realizing that most people don't care about you young adult to finding a meaningful relationship and starting family adulthood; Chapter 4: about all the dramas of being middle-ager who is responsible for little person you helped to create but yet miss being young and carefree; Chapter 5 being about transitioning into elderly and finding new meaning in life and the last chapter about taking care of your earthly possessions and responsibilities and writing your will.

    Of course, there are people whose lives don't resemble any of these typical narratives.  

    Anybody's chapters get longer and more interesting as they age. 

    So, I am still trying to find myself in my not-so-typical narrative. Moreover, my chapters are intertwined with others. 

    My story started as usual. My parents had sex and conceived me when they were in their early twenties. This is very typical of Mongolian society even to this day. However, I was born in a year when Mongolia stopped being a communist country as the Soviet Union collapsed and everybody, literally everybody, stepped into a capitalist country hand-in-hand with democracy. So, everybody, who was born in the late 89 and early '90s, is part of a generation where world history has changed. 

    I don't remember much. I only have one memory of being an infant. "I opened my eyes and I am lying on my back. The first thing I saw was the window. It was a sunny bright day. On the sill of the window, I noticed a matchbox. I remember I struggled to get that matchbox and couldn't get it." Later, I was told I liked to munch on matchsticks as a baby.

    As a toddler or a little bit older than a toddler, I remember walking near the river, a river with sand. After a while, I sat down with whoever was with me, most likely my auntie. 

    Then there is that awakening. I don't want to make it creepy, but I feel like many people experience that full awakening when they reach a certain age. Like becoming more aware of things and registering every single thing, like a brand new computer that is getting initialized for usage for the first time. 

    My awakening happened gradually. It wasn't like a push of a button. It was more like a broken computer that was trying to reboot itself and getting a little bit better every time. I remember things that I said and did for a brief moment then nothing. Then another memory will come to me then nothing. It is what it is. 

    However, I remember a lot after I transferred schools. I guess that was when my full awakening happened. 

    I transferred to school when I started 5th grade. The school I was transferred to was a brand-new private school. In fact, I was the THE VERY FIRST STUDENT EVER to sign up for the school. The tuition was $750 per year in 2001. Back then the exchange rate was about 1100 MNT (Mongolian Tugrug) to 1 USD. The tuition was expensive at the time, and I objected to going to the school. My mother being my mother said "Shhhhh, be quiet," and I listened to her. I guess at the time it was the norm (still is in a way) or how parents disciplined their children. I didn't think much about it. However, when I reflect on it now as a 30-something person, it was the wrong way of explaining things to children who are curious about the world, want to learn, and crave deeper reasoning skills. 

    Anyhow, the school didn't own its building, so it rented a section of a national university building for 3 years (I think) before the new building was ready to move in. My new class had less than half the students than my previous class, which was over 50 kids. Since the political change, the majority of the people struggled to put food on the table, my parents are part of that struggling population. 

    However, some people who were in government jobs or higher education didn't have to struggle. My new classmates from those families like a police father or a mother who worked for the telecommunication company. So, naturally, I felt out of place. I felt very uncomfortable. I talked to my classmates and made friends. But when they asked what my parents did, I couldn't say "They run their own business." I didn't want to lie, but I had to lie in a way. Back then if my parents didn't hold any stable jobs, people would look down on us. So, I told what my mother mentioned on my application form that my father is a manager at a company. 

    Some of you might think and will think "that is just stupid," and it was HINDSIGHT. However, back then, I didn't know when I should say other than saying what parents told me. Another stupid and embarrassing example: So, every autumn, the whole school does sports day. I think it was the first year. The school prepared buses to take the kids to a camp site where we competed in different games and sports.  As instructed, everybody prepared their lunches. My mother had prepared ham sandwich (she prepared a lot) and told me to share everybody. I listened to her and did exactly that. As I was "sharing (giving one sandwich to every kid in my class)" I had one of my awakening moments. I really thought "This is stupid. This is embarrassing. Why am I giving them sandwiches when everybody has their own food to eat? I am following exactly what mother told me."

    After that, I stopped doing everything that mother told me. In a way, I started to think for myself.